Statistics conclusively prove: John Kerry is a douchebag

The Web is abuzz today with discussion of John Kerry's crass call for military hardship stories he can use for his political advantage.

I share Instapundit's, Anklebitingpundits', Polipundit's, Vodkapundits', Ace's, It Comes in Pints', and others' contempt for Kerry's cynical manipulation of personal hardships.

Kerry has sunk so low with this latest ploy that my first thought this morning was "What an unbelievable douchebag!" This spurred me to some serious scientific research. I had to find out: is John Kerry the biggest douchebag in the world?

Google finds 13,000,000 hits for a search on John Kerry. This gives us our baseline Kerry identification level. Then, by searching John Kerry douchebag, we find how many mentions associate John Kerry with a douchebag. The result is 17,500. By dividing this number by the 13 million baseline Kerry identification level and multiplying by 1000, we arrive at the Douchebag Identification Per Thousand(TM) quotient (DBIPT). Kerry's DBIPT score is 1.35, a truly phenomenal rating.

For comparison, George W. Bush's DBIPT score is just 0.56. No other politician has been found with a douchebag identification score anywhere near Kerry's. Seeking other douchebags outside of the world of politics, I tried to find scores as high as Kerry's. I thought Howard Stern might have a high rating, not just because some people think he is a douchebag, but because Stern and his fans use the term "douchebag" so often in describing others. Stern's DBIPT score is, however, a surprisingly low 0.36. We have yet to find anyone in any field with a douchebag identification quotient as high as John Kerry's. We can therefore declare, until we find contradicting evidence, that John Kerry is the biggest douchebag in the world.

UPDATE: Nobrainer, in the third comment below, finds another shocking statistic: John Kerry is associated with an astonishing 15.5% of all douchebag references out there!


Kevin said...

That is one of the funniest things I have ever read.

Nobrainer said...

An additional analysis reveals that google returns 109,000 results fo "douchebag". Thus John Kerry seems to take up a hefty 16% of the total douchebag market.

Anonymous said...

The ultimate douchebag, indeed. Kerry presents a condescending tone. He's completely irrelevant. He has an insanely rich wife. He acts as if he's President. He's clueless or acts that way. He loves killing babies and I hope he dies on live TV.

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