1.03.2008

Caucus? They hardly know us

In the wee hours this morning I watched coverage of the campaigns, including Huckabee on Leno, Hillary on Letterman, and various interviews on Lehrer and some disastrous ABC news show. (If you've never seen the one that airs ~1 a.m. Pacific, congratulations. It blows.) The verdicts:

Mike Huckabee: Pretty cool for a fundamentalist whackjob. Sat in with the Tonight Show band and played a mean blues bass.

Hillary: You put-together, fraudulent, unfunny c**t. No, that word isn't clot. First I saw her on Letterman, delivering the show's intro by satellite: "Dave has been off the air for eight long weeks. Tonight he's back. Oh well, all good things come to an end."

Whatever humor that line had when it left the writers' desk, it lost when Hillary got her beast-paws on it. Imagine the most pathetic, plasticky way you could deliver this, and then imagine a little harder.

I next saw her on ABC, in a montage of candidates asked about their "guilty pleasures." Hers? Chocolate. Chocolate!!! Chocolate!!! All the twisted schemes and vengeance-lust that must be in that woman's head, and the best she'll admit to is...chocolate. The only candidates who are phony enough to say something like that are Hillary and Mitt Romney. Yes, he also said chocolate. Screw you, you robots.

Barack: To the same question, answered cigarettes and Sportscenter. I don't care for these myself, but I do like a guy who can actually admit to a vice, rather than concocting some B.S. "vice" like the two trainwrecks aforementioned.

Chris Dodd: Same question, answered, "Wine, and probably too much of it." Awesome. This guy realizes he doesn't have a prayer.

Giuliani: Admitted to cigars and something else. Hookers? Nose candy? I can't quite recall. He does have a huge set of chompers, though, and would make for funny caricatures.

The night's winners: Huckabee/Barack.

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