Peru launches war on left arm

Some weeks ago, I ventured into the depths of the Peruvian jungle, tasked with finding and reporting on the state of the region's wildlife. And find it I did.

As luck would have it, I stumbled upon a most striking and awesome denizen of the rainforest. The sleek jaguar? The fearsome cayman? No, friends, the true king of the jungle proved to be the Peruvian mosquito, a ferocious predator that puts its American cousin to shame.

Two weeks after my return to the States, my mosquito-bitten left arm had swelled up to the unsightly weight of 103 lbs., and, following my sage grandmother's advice of not letting my arm get bigger than any girl I would date, I sought professional help and spent three days with IV tubes and a coterie of baffled doctors. Without further elaboration, I offer a photograph of the carnage...