WC Varones

Don't lend your hand to raise no flag atop no ship of fools

With The First Pick in the Draft.....Ben Bernanke

On the eve of the NFL football draft I thought it might be an interesting exercise to consider what kind of football quarterback Ben Shalom Bernanke would be, at what draft position he would be picked at and what would his professional career look like so far. So let’s first consider his collegiate experience.

Major: Modern and Classic Football Theory
Ben studied all the great quarterbacks from Sid Luckman to Otto Graham to Bart Starr up through the modern era QBs such as Terry Bradshaw, Joe Montana, John Elway, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady.

His major included such topics as Reading Coverages, Utilizing Audibles and Other Topics. His thesis was titled - The Failure of the Jump Pass, A Comprehensive Study.
By all accounts Ben was the most accomplished theoretical quarterback in Princeton history. Some even say in Ivy League history.

Minor: Physics of Football
Ben also minored in the physics behind throwing the perfect football. Ben successfully modeled and demonstrated, using machines of course, the perfect way to throw the football to hit the target both at a standstill and while moving. Again Ben scored excellent marks in this and was awarded the National Collegiate Football Physics Award. Again he is generally considered a titan in the field of football throwing in academic circles.

College Stats: none
Now while being an expert in the science and art of playing the position of quarterback, he never actually played for the Tigers. He certainly attended a couple of games during his college career but as far as playing, on any level really, he didn't. But then why would he, he already was considered the highest level expert in the field of quarterbacking so really there was no need.

NFL Draft:
Ben applied for the NFL Draft but did not participate in any of the physical tests at the NFL Combine for prospective professionals. He did however participate in all of the interviews and the takeaway by most scouts and coaches was that no one was more confident in being able to play the position of quarterback in the NFL. He stated rather arrogantly that the other quarterbacks couldn't hold a candle to his collegiate accomplishments and therefore insisted he should be the first pick in the draft.

When asked to demonstrate his skills he instead provided numerous papers to illustrate his superior acumen. He refused to actually throw a ball though. He did however manage to impress one organization.

Draft Day – "With the first pick in this year's NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions pick Ben Shalom Bernanke from Princeton University.”
Strangely enough the Lions fans actually cheered because, really, what does it matter who they pick?

Professional Career:

First preseason game - Lions 0, Rams 35
Stats – 0 for 10 passing, sacked 10 times, and fumbled 4 times.

Ben finally got into a uniform for the first time the day of the first preseason game. He spent all of his time in training camp, which was held at the campus of Kalamazoo College, in a quarterback theory lab exploring the models appropriate for his new role with the Lions. So this was his first taste at actually playing QB, ever.

The play calling was peculiar many noticed. When interviewed afterwards, the coaching staff stated that in Ben’s contract they were not allowed to question what he does, how he does it or even know ahead of time what he is going to do. Ben calls all the plays and when the coaches attempted to call a play, Ben had the Federal District court slap an injunction on the coaching staff.

The post game interview consisted of him discussing how well he did a number of things including reading the defensive sets the opponents presented, audibling appropriately and finally describing the moderate growth he experienced in his effort.

Fourth preseason game - Eagles 42, Lions 0
Stats – 0 for 22 passing, sacked 15 times, and fumbled 3 times

In the post game interview Ben described how well he did reading the blitzes and when asked why he then was sacked so often stated that sacking policy is carried out by the offensive linemen and not something that falls within dual mandate of the quarterback position which are reading defenses and aubibling correctly. When asked to rate his performance he gave himself an A-.

Eighth regular season game - Bears 60, Lions 0
Stats – 0 for 18 passing, sacked 5 times, and fumbled 6 times

After the game Ben stated that certainly his goal of correct reads and effective audibling is working and that really it’s up to the coaching staff to devise a system that will make them successful. He’s doing everything he could based on his tremendous college achievements.

Last game of the year - Lions 0, Bills 46
Stats – 0 for 24 passing, sacked 10 times, and fumbled 6 times

Ben concluded the year without completing a pass and breaking records for fumbles and times sacked. The Lions lost every game by wide margins and once again have the first pick in the draft, which is good because apparently Yale has an excellent receiver-student named Paul Krugman who might link up well with Bernanke.

6 years into his career with the Lions Bernanke is still to complete a pass, still to win a game and already breaking career records for most fumbles by a QB. (Dave Krieg sent a thank you note and bottle of champagne)

Ben’s Career by Ben:
"While the Lions have not performed at an optimal level, there are indications that in the medium term their performance was likely to somewhat improve. Winning expectations are lower than desired but manageable within the current environment. The QB position has done everything it possibly can to make the Lions successful but it’s up to the policy makers of the offensive line, running backs and defense to take the step required to improve the team. At this point the QB is using all of the tools at his disposal to win and signs indicate that a win will come within the next 5 to 10 years."
Bernanke wanted to be sure to point out what an expert he was in college and how really there is no other choice for QB. He’d also like to thank the Lions for the guaranteed lifetime contract which he is positive is in the best interest of the team.


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